Out out out out

I’m climbing walls again and I want to scream and run and disappear and stop feeling all of this. I want out out out. He fucking hung up on me after saying I love you without giving me time to say it back. He will be thinking about it all week long. He said three times how much he wanted to talk to me, to see me. And it all makes me feel guilty cause yes, I wanted that too, but I didn’t. I didn’t want to see him because then my heart would melt. And I didn’t want to talk because I know how it infuriating it is every time he opens his mouth. He is such a child and I just can’t anymore. And I’m already considering other people, which only makes me feel guiltier because even though I would never touch anyone else, I am thinking about it. And I want to see him and kiss him and have sex and enjoy our time together, but I don’t want to have all those conversations and I don’t want to be a shoulder to cry on. Not anymore. I feel so selfish for wanting what’s best for me. I feel so abused emotionally. He didn’t mean to do any of this, but he did, and I just can’t handle it anymore. 

And I am not going to engage other people either. I am going to be the most fantastic loner in this world. Because I am so done giving to everyone else. And I am going to be the biggest bitch in the world and I am going to stop giving. And I won’t start again until someone gives something to me first. Sky said that I didn’t know how to give, but I realize now that that is so much bullshit. I give myself away. I would have died for either of those two, but I guess they don’t really know. 'Cause I don’t talk, ‘cause I don’t express things, I don’t say anything aloud. I simply choke on my own words again and again and rant to a blank page on a word document because it is easier than trying to say this aloud. Because it is easier than saying it and admitting all of this to everyone. Because Jenny was right. I am an awful person and I managed to fool a couple of people, but not everybody.