It doesn't matter

You know, no one has ever pushed me. Everyone has always said there was so much in me, but no one pushed me further. I was at the top of my class, with barely any effort, but no one cared. The teachers were pleased, my parents were pleased, I got prizes, and my classmates resented me because I wasn’t even trying that hard. It wasn’t that I knew already what they were trying to teach me. It was that I learn fast. And I could learn anything as long as I was a bit interested. And they were content with that. And for a long time, I was too. Because I had something I could push myself in. Something where I wasn’t naturally good so I had to put in so much effort it drained me day after day. But it made me feel good, useful. Until my body bailed on me. 

And turns out, I don’t know how to push myself in any other way. I am too lazy to read if I am forced to. I am too lazy to write, because who even cares anymore. I am too lazy to get a job because whatever. And I just sit here, staring at the emptiness. Does anyone care? Do the adults see me? No they don’t, I was always the perfect child who scrambled to get out of their way so they could focus on those who needed it more. No one cared that I slept in class and then aced my exams all the same. No one cared that things were easy. 

The world. Just. Doesn’t. Care. About. Anything. 

People die. Minorities die. And it just doesn’t matter. Because nothing does. And most days I just can’t live in this reality. I need out. Now.